diff --git a/changelog.d/9781-census-hot-tls.md b/changelog.d/9781-census-hot-tls.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000000..2d4e53bb33
--- /dev/null
+++ b/changelog.d/9781-census-hot-tls.md
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+**The GC census thread-locals no longer pay `_tlv_get_addr`.** `gc::census`
+is compiled unconditionally, so its two ungated `thread_local!` blocks were
+in shipping builds and cost an out-of-line libdyld call per access on Darwin
+— including the `ARMED` flag that gates whether the census does anything at
+all. Both now use `crate::perry_thread_local!`, the same treatment the four
+other recent declarations received; every call site already went through
+`.with()`, so nothing else changed.
+
+This also restores the `self-test-checkers` job, whose thread-local policy
+ratchet (#7469) had been failing on main and on every open PR.
diff --git a/crates/perry-runtime/src/gc/census.rs b/crates/perry-runtime/src/gc/census.rs
index 891035533f..aea37815e6 100644
--- a/crates/perry-runtime/src/gc/census.rs
+++ b/crates/perry-runtime/src/gc/census.rs
@@ -43,7 +43,7 @@ static SIGNAL_PENDING: AtomicBool = AtomicBool::new(false);
 static SIGNAL_INSTALLED: AtomicBool = AtomicBool::new(false);
 static MAIN_THREAD: OnceLock<std::thread::ThreadId> = OnceLock::new();
 
-thread_local! {
+crate::perry_thread_local! {
     static ARMED: Cell<bool> = const { Cell::new(false) };
     static SEQ: Cell<u32> = const { Cell::new(0) };
     static LABEL: RefCell<&'static str> = const { RefCell::new("manual") };
@@ -177,7 +177,7 @@ fn census_service_signal() {
     super::js_gc_collect();
 }
 
-thread_local! {
+crate::perry_thread_local! {
     /// Pass-1 snapshot: sorted header addresses that were marked when mark
     /// propagation finished (see the module docs).
     static PASS1_MARKED: RefCell<Option<Vec<usize>>> = const { RefCell::new(None) };